Have you ever been given the advice that you need to learn to love yourself more?
How did it resonate with you when you heard it?

I know I’ve been given this advice in the past and it really annoyed me. But why did it annoy
me? At first I thought it was because I knew that person was right, and that meant I
wasn’t “there” yet, and there was more hard work, more processing of difficult
emotions, followed by more healing and integration, eventually leading to…loving
myself! But as the conversation and the idea surfaced and re-surfaced, I realised
that it annoyed me not because it was true but because it wasn’t true. Loving
yourself isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel after which it’s all
smooth sailing. Loving yourself is an ongoing process, reflected in the moment by moment decisions we
make and the way we relate to ourselves.

So what does it mean to love yourself? I see it as a combination of listening to,
respecting, honouring, appreciating, forgiving and enjoying who you are. And in
order to do that, you need to listen to, respect, honour, appreciate, forgive and enjoy
who you are!!

I’ve found the following exercises to be transformative:

If you find it hard to feel love directed at yourself, close your eyes and picture
someone you love or a pet you love. Feel the love you have for them radiating
from your heart, filling you with joy. Let that smile on your face grow and smile at
yourself internally. Now keep that feeling strong and move your focus from the
loved one to yourself, radiating that love onto and into yourself. It may take you a
couple of tries, but once you have felt this a few times, its effects will permeate
your relationship with yourself. You will be more forgiving and more appreciative
of yourself, and you will feel more energised and lit up.

When you feel in need of comfort because you’re hurt, down or discouraged, instead of
using self-talk to make yourself feel better, try this: stroke the top of your hand with the
other as if you were comforting another person , or cross your arms across your chest
and hold or stroke your upper arms as if you were hugging someone else. There may be
no need for words, simply enjoy how it feels to be comforted, understood and loved. It’s
amazing how much more comforting touch can be than words, when we are feeling
emotional pain.

Often when we feel pain, a situation or person has triggered an old wound. Maybe we
feel rejected or abandoned, or misunderstood or unimportant. Instead of shooting the
messenger, take notice of how you’re feeling and be present with the emotion. That
means sitting still with it and allowing yourself to feel it without running away from it or
finding a distraction. By avoiding the emotion, we never get to process it. If you are able
to go to the source of the emotion and you find that it originates in childhood, do exercise
2 above and imagine that you are comforting yourself as a child.

What these exercises teach us is that sometimes words are not enough. If it’s
comforting you need, try these self-soothing exercises, and you might be surprised
to see that dysfunctional and unhelpful habits like emotional eating, drinking too
much, spending, gaming, or whatever it might be, lose their hold on you.